Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
