He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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