cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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