so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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