Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
