I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
