the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
