I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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