my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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