I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
