so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Randomize
