Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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