This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
