I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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