I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
