sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
