you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Of course I have a pirate flag
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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