How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
