I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
