please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
