did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
