dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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