I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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