Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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