M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
