Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I think I just sharted jello shots
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