I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
