um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
