All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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