My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
