I can text with my tongue
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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