I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
