I wannas sexs uuuuu
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
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