I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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