Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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