my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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