My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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