Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
