I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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