His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
