omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize