my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
