Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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