he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Who died my cat blue again?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
