Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
