pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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