so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
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