Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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