i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
