She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
