I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
