So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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