So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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