I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Randomize
