My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
