everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
So vagazzling was a success
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