i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
