U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Randomize
