I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
