I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize