I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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