So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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