The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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