Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
