2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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