If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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