nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
only if we run a train.
done.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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