He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize
